“I’m sorry,” I said.
Over the course of a conversation with a pastor and his wife one time, I must have said it several times, and it was not in reference to a sin, an offense, something I neglected to do. They engaged me in conversation because they wanted to know more about “me,” not the journalist, professional me, but the Kathy Leigh who is.
They were really good at asking probing questions without seeming nosy.
I still count them among my friends today.
Ten minutes later, I felt like I told them my life story.
So I apologized. Profusely.
“Someone must have really hurt you at some point in your story,” said the pastor. He and his wife were so kind.
“You don’t need to say you are sorry. We asked you to tell us more about you, and we asked more questions. You did not do anything wrong. There is no need to say you are sorry.” The pastor told me he felt God had a unique journey for me.
I was at a training held at the Polk County Sheriff’s Office community room for Darkness to Light Stewards of Children to learn how to help prevent child sex abuse. Scheduled to speak on my book, The Brighter Side of A Darker Thing, I was invited to stay for the entire workshop, so I did.
A psychologist who works with survivors of sexual assault and child sex abuse produced a list of things commonly found among survivors.
Saying I’m sorry was on the list.
Blaming yourself for something that was not your fault.
Hypersensitivity of your surroundings. (This has actually been more of a gift than a curse for me, has kept me safe many times.)
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
OCD. (Obsessive compulsive disorder.)
May have achieved a stack of awards and it is never enough.
I was furious.
I had no idea that many things I have been dealing with my whole life were a direct result of the abuse.
I love it. Gets everywhere, shines a lot. Makes you go, hmm. That is glitter.
People say they hate glitter. Messy, they say!
Well, yes, and you sure do not want to get it under your contact lense!
I guess science has learned how to produce edible glitter. You can throw it on a cupcake or whatever, to be festive.
I am at the point in my journey of healing where I am realizing that it is a blessing to recognize what generated my self hatred, self blame, and PTSD.
Write this down. “I will make no apologies for things that are not my fault, and I will instead seize these opportunities to grow. And sparkle.”
Slept in this morning, and it was marvelous. Time to read, pray, study, blog. And have some coffee.
Happy Friday, all.
The rooster is crowing louder than the traffic today.